… the old is no more and the new is born. With change comes the need to process and get used to the new way. Grieving is a crucial step in the healing process. Feeling grief means being alive. There’s not much to do about it, but be aware there might be phases, and know that it shall pass.

“I will restore you to health and I will heal you of your wounds” –

Jeremiah 30:17

There is no timeframe for how fast or how long it might last. Each person is different and may experience it in a unique way. 

Like a storm, grief has its phases. Seek shelter, get a hot cup of tea, turn the fireplace on, get a fluffy quilt, sit in a comfortable chair, get a Kleenex box, and be still. Allow all the emotions to come, feel them, notice where in your body it’s manifesting, send love, accept it, allow it to be, let them pass, and be grateful for your awareness, for being able to experience and feel them. 

It’s important to understand that It’s ok not to be okay… Each one of us heals differently and takes a unique amount of time to shake the dust off and get back up to speed again. Because we live busy lives, it is very common, actually, to see people moving from one thing to another without allowing time to process and digest what happened. 

It is important to recognize and understand that it is part of the process, completely normal and necessary to go through it, so that you can get to the other side sane and sound.  

It is ok…

Recognize that you are going through a process that shall pass… don’t judge yourself.  Instead, make a self-agreement to be upset for a certain period of time, and allow yourself to feel the way you do. Accept, forgive yourself, sleep in, stay in PJ… it’s okay… 

Briefly below, are the 5 stages of the Mourning & Grieving process: 

Denial and Isolation

A defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock, numbing us to our emotions. Deny the reality of the situation. Rationalize overwhelming emotions. 

Anger

Emotionally, we may even resent God for causing us pain. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.

Bargaining

The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–

If only we had sought medical attention sooner…

If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…

If only we had tried to be a better person…

Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

Depression

Sadness and regret predominate this phase of grieving. 

Acceptance

Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Change may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It isn’t necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm but isn’t a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression. 

Coping with a loss is a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through.  But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it will only prolong the natural process of healing.

Dealing with Grief

Maybe during this time, you could…

• Make time for feeling the emotions that arise

There is no need to judge these emotions… it is ok to feel these, they will not last forever. You may even create a little ritual.

• Thank friends and tell them it is normal and natural to feel as you do

Friends may get more comfortable hearing this from you.

• Take care of yourself

Go out on a walk, and make sure to eat healthily.

• Open your eyes to the delights around you  

The wonders of life exist even in the midst of grief: a child’s smile or a flower smell or even the taste of your favorite food.  

• Take a break from feeling overwhelmed

Know your limits and allow yourself to take a break, make an agreement with grief to get back to it, or will take you all day.

• Help others you care about

Altruism can be a great way to move through grief. Maybe you’d like to volunteer or make some things for those you care about.

• Join others looking for help

Support has been known to be very helpful and so joining a grief or support group either online or in person can be supportive. 

“What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls it a butterfly.”

Loss is real. Sudden, unexpected loss is harder.

Remember to respect yourself, to believe it is okay not to be okay, that you need time to heal and most important, never judge yourself, or force yourself to get out of grief sooner than you need.

Remember to communicate your feelings to people around you so that they can support you during this process.

Inspired by what one of my mentors, Bob Proctor, said once, grief feels like staring at the ocean – feels infinite like it never ends… In the beginning is like this gigantic wave, that comes one after another,. It can be overwhelming, you barely have time to breathe or recompose yourself until the next one comes. As time passes, they reduce size and intensity, and they become a little smaller and more spaced. It never goes away, but after a while, the waves will be more manageable and might even bring sweet memories with them.

You will be okay… But you don’t have to go through this alone.

Please look for professional help, therapy, counseling, etc. It may help you…

Speaking about grief: https://fb.watch/melqMA8KLQ/?mibextid=Nif5oz

A True Story

I’m sitting in a quiet room at the Millcroft Inn, a peaceful little place hidden behind the pine trees about an hour out of Toronto. It’s just past noon, late July, and I’m listening to the desperate sounds of a life-or-death struggle going on a few feet away.

There’s a small fly burning out the last of its short life’s energies in a futile attempt to fly through the glass of a windowpane. The whining wings tell the poignant story of the fly’s strategy — try harder. But it’s not working, The frenzied effort offers no hope for survival. Ironically, the struggle is a part of the trap. It is impossible for the fly to try hard enough to succeed at breaking through the glass. Nevertheless, this little insect has staked its life on reaching its goal through raw effort and determination. This fly is doomed to die. It will die there on the windowsill.

Across the room, ten steps away, the door is open. Ten seconds of flying time and this small creature could reach the outside world it seeks. With only a fraction of the effort now being wasted, it could be free of this self-imposed trap. The breakthrough possibility is there. It would be so easy.

Why doesn’t the fly try another approach, something dramatically different? How did it get so locked in on the idea that this particular route, and determined effort, offers the most promise for success? What logic is there in continuing, until death, to seek a breakthrough with “more of the same”? No doubt this approach makes sense to the fly. Regrettably, it’s an idea that will kill.

“Trying harder” isn’t necessarily the solution to achieving more. It may not offer any real promise for getting what you want out of life. Sometimes, in fact, it’s a big part of the problem.

If you stake your hopes for a breakthrough on trying harder than ever, you may kill your chances for success.

The first time I heard this story I can’t begin to tell you how many bells rang to me… One of the strongest values imprinted by my father was “Work hard” and still you will barely make it. He’s a healthy 78 yo man and spend every single day working on his or my brother’s yard – every day from 9 to 5 with an hour for lunch. He is happy doing what he loves, being with himself with very few social interaction. The way he learned, strongly believe and still is loyal to.

A year ago I entered into a program and when responding to a questionnaire question I realized I was still living my life based on that very same value… First I got shocked, then I smiled and realized that the program must be really good, bringing stuff like that to the surface and giving me the opportunity to work them out.

I’ve been learning about quantum leaps, the Laws of the Universe, The effortless way, how our mind works. Lots of stuff that have already convinced me it does not have to be hard. It shouldn’t, actually.

I see a lot of people trying to hard to look easy, but because I am very good in reading between the lines, I can see what they are hiding. Worse than that, all I hear is what they are not saying. I am an empath and connect with people’s energy very easily. You can’t hide stuff from me, ever. I just know.

Interesting how on the other hand, there are a few people that “made it” and are desperate trying to show everyone that they too can do it.

Look at me, a cancer survivor, if I started telling you all the stuff I went through, it would look like a terror movie. I know people are living terrible things right now, and don’t want to say my case was worse than anyone.

What I am eager to show to the world is that this is how it looks like on the other side. It becomes almost an obsession to help others, to “convince” them of their birth rights, that they are “entitled” to a happy, healthy, fulfilled life, regardless what they are going through right now. I did, so can them.

We tend to get blind as we are experiencing stuff, trying too hard to be in control and make things happen “our way”, but it doesn’t work like that. Faith is what you need, to replace the fear of the worse case scenario with the faith in the best case scenario. That is the bridge.

As soon as you do that, you will notice how things changed, even though they are all the same – it is because you’ve changed the lenses on which you see the world – your perception and that alone will shift your whole world to a complete different place.

The most important one: Be yourself and be sure it is the best thing you can be. This is the only thing that will release you to freedom. Know that there is only one of you, you are unique, special and beautiful just the way you are. Better than that, once you are not trying to be someone else, but your true self, you will feel a drop in a huge weight out of your back and finally feel free.

“Blessed is she that believed; for there shall be a performance of those things which were told her from the Lord.”

Luke 1:45

The effortless way is how you might be able to fly to an open door…

Today I woke up to a world with one less friend… How is that possible? I am devastated. I can’t believe it, I just can’t. She’s so young, beautiful, full of life.

I’ve been working on my business, generating content, talking to my audience, engaging with people and for a very long time, I haven’t been “me”. I don’t even remember when was the last time I’ve posted something in my personal page or interacted with people there. Yesterday evening my husband shared one of our precious moments together in our back porch listening to the rain and Adriana Calcanhoto https://open.spotify.com/track/4XXaIb6V1u0X5Ao2xzeotr . So this morning I decided to log into my personal account and take a look… sent love to lots of people, engaged in some comments and kept scrolling until I saw it.

This is the second time that Facebook tells me that someone I truly care about is no long among us. I am not going to get into how unfair and sad this is. The first time was my grandmother – which seemed to be a racing among my cousins as there was some kind of prize to the first place. That is how I learned about her death. unbelievable. unforgettable. unforgivable. Thank God I was able to release all that pain already.

I’ve been thinking about Stacie for some time and meant to contact her. I felt like she had disappeared and I missed her. I remembered sending her a voice message after watching a movie where the antagonist looked just like her.

“Hard to believe it’s just been one year since I lost my dear friend.” said the post from a common friend Christine Partch.

I used to volunteer at Gilda’s Club Nashville, conceiving and delivering workshops for people impacted by Cancer based on my survival journey. Their mail letter informed me about the Creative Expressive Writing at VICC – https://news.vumc.org/2015/09/03/new-creative-writing-course-geared-for-cancer-community/ sponsored by Vanderbilt. Aware of English being my second language, I accepted their suggestion to use those moments as some kind of therapy, journaling or whatever I want to reflect on. That’s were I met Stacie, sometime between 2015 and 2016 at the Curb in those wonderful classes facilitated by Anna Silverstein.

The stories we heard from each person that wanted to share whatever the prompt inspired them to write about were so beautiful, profound and heart felt. It was impossible not to fall in love with one another, know their true self and finally understand the concept of Soul Mate. We not only spoke the same language but also shared the same pain. Trying to get back to “normal life” after a life sentencing diagnosis and experience…

Stacie was always very elegant in her jeans, t-shirt, comfortable shoes, scarfs on winter, a cross body bag, her iPhone and the keyboard where she would type her way out. Each and every time she would share what she wrote, I used to be amazed. How in 20 min writing someone can come up with that!? I used to think. But she did, and she wasn’t the only one. Getting back into my writing from those times, except for the poor English, grammar, syntax, concordance, etc the depth and the ideas were inspiring.

We’ve shared many workshops together and she was very supportive of my writing. So many times I remember her telling me to focus on the writing idea and forget everything else. I used to feel less because I was a foreigner, but they were all so wonderful to me. It was all in my head, I guess, but it hasn’t stopped me.

After being in so many workshops I decided to walk away for a bit. Without communicating to one another, it seemed like we all shared the same thoughts. Spring 2019 I decided to get back partially and met a whole new group of people. They were also wonderful and lovely, but not the original group, but I decided to stay as I realized how much I missed. They were working on an Anthology and I proudly submitted a few pieces of my writing work. Even though the facilitator of the class always changes after a couple of seasons, it is a blessing to know each one of them and to see how in the world is possible to always have wonderful people leading those amazing classes. Lina was the one that time, she was moving to Texas and Vandy organized a reception where each person could ready their piece.

That was the last time I saw Stacie. May 2019, just a few days before her birthday. She wasn’t in the class, but published the incredible memoir of her pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela – which I remember her reading the raw piece as she came back from the trip and sharing with us in class, back in 2016/17. The original piece was called: “When I die, call Kevin”, to me, it was love at first sight. I am not sure how many editions and when she decided to change the title, but it has been perfect from the first version as I walked with her in her words.

I was so happy to see her again, it brought back memories of a happy time, when I first discovered my passion for writing, our group, the support, the fun, the meals we shared, the unconditional love and support to one another. It was the first time I saw her with hair and I couldn’t help myself but to comment how beautiful she was also with it. She smiled and touching it at the shoulders length mentioned how much and fast it’s growing again… She read her piece and I went back to Spain with her once again, and to the classes at the West End Avenue over breakfast, in front of the Parthenon, where she first shared her treasure with us.

I left the bathroom this morning and couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t believe it has been a whole year she is no longer in this dimension. I missed her puppies posts, her birthday donations posts on her birthday, her smile, spontaneity, authenticity, her angelic way of being herself.

It is not natural to see someone that young leaving. I still can’t believe it.

I found her everywhere as I was looking for comfort throughout the day and had to pay an homage to her. I am so grateful we’ve met, shared so much during our human experience. I can’t describe my state of gratitude for her legacy and how much she’s been, done and inspired us. I also stole a piece from her blog, written by her loved ones, which I second to the letter…

“Although she is gone, she is forever in our hearts.  She touched so many lives during her short time on earth.  Stacie was grateful for every life experience and viewed everything as a new adventure.  As she laid knowing the end was near, she said,

“I’m excited to see what’s on the other side.”  

Stacie Chevrier

May we all take a piece of Stacie’s grace, wisdom, optimism and enlightenment with us every day on our journey through life.  RIP Stacie. Forever Young.  Forever Beautiful.  We love you so much!

I told my husband about it all, back at the swing in our porch this morning and mentioned that voice message I left her, when I realized I’ve never checked it back, and then I did…

“Thank you Sheyla! So sweet to hear your voice.:)

Don’t let it kill you, before you die

Stacie Chevrier

Why do we see beauty on everyone else but us?

Why don’t we see perfection at the mirror?

Why do we criticize every tiny bit of ourselves and overlook serious stuff around us?

Why are we so quick to condemn and so slow to forgive?

Why we, God’s highest form of creation still doubt and many times deny our Creator?

Why can’t we love ourselves the same way we love our children? 

Why don’t we accept, honor, respect, appreciate and love ourselves but expect others to do it? 

Why wouldn’t we recognize our value, acknowledge and feel proud until/unless someone else does it?

Why? Why don’t we, Why can’t we, Why wouldn’t we? Why? 

Sheyla Zito

I myself can relate to that.

There has been a time in my life when I realized how many bad decisions I made, how poorly I have chosen things and how clueless I was in my approach and the way I experienced life.

It happened right after the moment I realized how unhappy I was.

It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”

Epictetus (55-135) Greek Philosopher

It was my 30th birthday. I woke up and did not want to leave the room, I did not want to see anyone. All I cared about was my 5yo son and the baby I was carrying in my belly, nothing else. I used to live in a tiny 40 mts2 apt with my ex-husband and his mother. It was very complicated.

The marriage was wrong from the beginning, circumstances brought me to that very moment. Four months after my baby was born, I was diagnosed with Melanoma and another one two months later. I had to stop breastfeeding my baby and to me it was the most devastating part of the story.

I had moved away from my family because I was convinced no one loved me or even cared for me. I was alone. It was hard. Two years later another cancer threat scared me and I believed it was my time to die. It was real, I was devastated, depressed and hopeless.

How I came out of that is subject for another day, but thank God I did and am so grateful for it.

Years after my separation I learned to forgive… I thought I did, but I truly did not. It happened while working on my annulment paperwork…

As I relived every single episode of my story, what happened to me and how I used to blame my parents for being in that marriage, my ex-husband for being the way he was and myself for getting stuck into that situation…

I understood that whatever my parents did, imposed or said was because of their belief system, the way they learned how to live, to survive based on their own education, life experiences, perception, how they were raised and so much more. It was not their fault, but the way they saw the world, and it was their reality. The positive intention behind all that was to protect me – the way they knew how to do it. And I forgave them.

The same for my ex-husband, who had his own traumas and problems in life that have never been resolved and he kept living the same relationship with different people – it just happened that at that time I was the victim…

The hardest one was to look into all that I did, chose, things I wish I took another route… Of course looking from today’s eyes, things seemed obvious. Thank God I have evolved. If I had to make the same decisions today, of course they would be different, but at that time, I convinced myself that it was what I knew and did the best I could then. I saw myself as a my younger version, begging for understanding, acceptance, forgiveness and love and I made a decision to surrender to that beautiful young and naive soul. I have also chosen to believe that I am living my own journey – as everyone else – and that there is no right or wrong, but the choices I make that will determine the outcome of it all – and of course the consequences.

Each day is a new day, a new opportunity to start new, fresh and in a clean slate. Making peace with all that have hurt you has nothing to do with them, but freeing yourself up – so that you can finally fly.

– “I don’t want to get sick.”, “I don’t want have debt.”, “I don’t want to die young.”, “I don’t want to arrive late at work.”, “I don’t want to get depressed.”, “I do not want to overeat.” … and the list goes on…

The weird thing is that all that they seem to avoid is what end up by happening…

It is really amazing how aware people are of all the things they DO NOT WANT. But when you ask them:

– What do you really want?

They look at you like you’ve just landed from Mars…

– I just told you… they reply not understanding what you are talking about.

Ask, and it shall be given to you. Seek, and you shall find. Knock, and it shall be opened to you.

Matthew 7:7

We think in images. Our conscious mind creates images as indexes and a sophisticated searching mechanism. Each time we hear or say something, the brain “creates” an image to identify what that is; and the interesting thing is, even when we add “don’t” before the thing it still does the same work: either creates the new image or Retrieve a previous one once stored.

Let’s say I tell you: “do not think of a blue vase“!

<wait a few seconds> Tell me, what happened!?

Did you think of a blue vase, or did you not?

I bet you did

Second question: how did you blue vase look like!?

I googled: “blue vase” and saw thousands of images that I would never have imagined a blue vase would look like… then I found this one here and thought it was very interesting…

Did your blue vase look like this one!?

I bet it did not

But Why, you might be asking!?

You said “DO NOT” think of a blue vase!

Why did I think of it?

Because, as I’ve mentioned, we think in images and at the moment I said blue vase, perhaps there was already a register of a blue vase in our brain – from a time in your life – that you probably don’t even recall, but it was there… it was indexed, so as your brain captured the information required – “Blue Vase” – like a searching mechanism, it looked for all that somewhat matched that request (pretty much what google does) and immediately brought you the image related to what you’ve heard of and instantaneously thought of.

Your mind found what you were searching for – made an association – then, only after that, it tried to apply the “do not”, “don’t”, “not”, “never”, etc… but because the image was already there, created or retrieved, by the time you recognize it was a negative request, it is too late. The whole process had already happened.

It seems complicated, but really it isn’t.

Do you recall someone trying to tell a small child or a baby to not do something and the very second they finish the sentence, the kid did exactly what was asked – like they were given a command: “Do not put your finger in the outlet“, “do not touch the stove“, “Do not throw the toy“… and as an urge to please the asking parent, the baby did it all, proudly as it was requested (and their brain knew how to process the information).

No matter how old we get, we still operate the same way.

That is why it is so important to say and state all the things you want. All that you wish to see happening and you would like to have. Instead of chanting to the Universe all the problems, bad relationships, abusive jobs, illness, debts and other things you DO NOT want in your life.

Now you know, you are aware.

Next time you catch yourself thinking, telling yourself or even talking to others that way, STOP. Take a deep breath and think what is the opposite of those bad things you were thinking about… How would you say that in a positive way?

Because we were conditioned to think like this a very long time ago, some people have difficulties thinking the positive way.

Here are a few examples: “I want to be healthy, happy and fulfilled”, ” I want to live fully and prosper”, “I want to enjoy the lifestyle I’ve always wanted and deserve”, “I want to live in my dream home.”, “I want to have a respectful, loving, affectionate and good looking partner.”, “I want to be close to and to spend quality time with the people I love.”, “I want to do what I love and create a profitable life using my God giving talents.”, “I want to practice gratitude daily.”, “I want to let it go things, resentments and bad experiences.”, “I want to forgive and be forgiven.”, …and so much more…

What is that you want?

Imagine for a second about the pizza ordering system. When you think or say something, that “request” is heard and registered and the process of making it happen, starts. The more you talk about, think of it and get emotionally attached to it, faster it will be ready for delivery.

Let’s play a little bit with one of our mental faculties here: our Imagination.

Every time you say or think of things, I want you to imagine sound waves – carrying it out to the Universe all your wishes and desires. To represent the process of the Universe “listening to you” and “processing your requests” to getting things done, imagine you’ve rubbed the lamp and a genius pops up. No matter what it is, good or bad things – you will get it. The more involved you get, the more emotional and connected to the feeling of “already seeing it happen”, more probable it shall happen and materialize into the physical world.

Whatever you say, imagine the Universe responding to you:

– “Your wish is my command!”

Knowing that, what would you focus on, now that you are aware?

Would you ask for what you’ve been avoiding or the things you truly want?

What is that you really really want?

Say it out loud. Write it down. Make a list.

BELIEVE.

Repeat it to yourself daily until it happens!