decision – Live Fully Today Blog

Freedom

Sheyla Zito — Mon, 15 Nov 2021 20:33:55 +0000

After one of my sessions with my therapist, we were talking about how I can be independent, autonomy and happy no matter where I am, with the person I am, doing whatever I am doing – how can I be myself fully – regardless – as a reflection he asked me to write about – what is freedom to me.

Interesting enough I had just read the amazing book The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer. At the end of the book, he talks about “Unconditional Happiness”, which means making a decision to be happy no matter what happens to you, in your life – I love that concept

I see lots of people practicing “Conditional Happiness” – once this or that happens I will be happy, after I heal, as soon as I get a job, if I get the promotion… I’m sure when I find someone… when we get married… by the time we have kids… there is an infinite list of things that must happen.

But the challenge is truly to put all those things aside and make a decision that no matter what happens, be happy. Even if your wife leaves you, even if your husband dies, or the stock market crashes, or your car breaks down or even if you go to jail. – says the author

“Do you want to be happy from this point forward for the rest of your life, regardless of what happens?”
There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. It’s not a question of whether your happiness is under your control. Of course it’s under your control. It’s just what you don’t really mean it when you say you’re willing to stay happy. You want to qualify it. You want to say that as long as this doesn’t happen, or as long as that does happen, then you’re willing to be happy. That’s why it seems like it is out of your control. Any condition you create will limit your happiness. You simply aren’t going to be able to control things and keep them the way you want them.
Michael A. Singer

Why are you talking about happiness, if this post is about freedom, Sheyla, you may be asking yourself? Well, think about, are they related or not?

…and here is what I came up with speaking about Freedom

Freedom for me is doing what I want, when I want, and the way I want.
Dress as I choose, buy what I like, enjoy what gives me pleasure.

Freedom for me is being the owner of my own nose, coming and going as I please.

Freedom for me is to express myself freely, do what I want, without judging me or caring about what the others think, says or how they act towards me.

Freedom for me is choosing the life I want, having what is important to me, enjoying it with whoever I am with, anytime and for as long as I want. (Does this sound like I’m using the other person? It did as I first wrote, but now, it sounds like basics to me, isn’t!? If I am not to choose my own life, who else?)

Freedom is embodying my convictions, being true to them until I change my mind – and being okay with that too!

The more I write the more I realize how to be free is to be selfish… is it? And being selfish is ugly. It’s not a God’s thing. Is it? What about the thing about loving my neighbor as thyself? If I don’t love myself, how can I understand or either love others?

It sounds like a mess…, is it? Not? To me now, it’s really seems to be clear.

Freedom is breathing, moving, going, staying, looking, feeling, smelling, eating, touching, listening to what I want, when I want, as much as I want, however I want, whenever I want and for as long as I want, anytime I want.

Ah this is freedom. Decide what to think, what to want, what to imagine, what to rationalize, what to follow, what to believe. It’s putting my will into work and to act upon whatever I feel inspired to. It is choosing the perspective I want and that suits me, it’s having faith that what I’m doing (or not doing) is the right thing. Freedom is being aware of it all, honoring each one of them and feeling good about myself. It’s knowing I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, doing the right thing and exactly what I’m doing (or not doing) and the way I’m doing it – with or without company – I pick.

Freedom is listening without having to react, choosing what moves me or makes me reflect. It’s understanding that it’s up to me, only me, to act or not, to do or not, to have or not, to be or not. Sounds complex… It isn’t, really, now as I read it all seem way too simple.

Freedom is being 100% responsible for me, in all aspects, body, mind and spirit. Being in control, in charge, or getting carried away. Freedom is understanding that my life, my results, my appearance, my relationships, my profession, absolutely everything was (or is) my choice, or lack of it (which is also a choice), my consequence (depending on what I did or did not – now as I hear myself saying it – “I stopped doing it” sounds like I was supposed to have done something but didn’t honor with my commitment ” – but I get it now that it is not the case at all), my decisions.

Freedom is allowing my gifts and talents to unfold without judgment.

To be authentic, real, natural, express myself fully, expand, grow, stay, move, go for it, get some rest, take a day off, have a PJ day, run a marathon, play when I feel like it, start something new, stop something I don’t like, get rid of what doesn’t spark joy anymore, buy what pleases my eyes or makes my heart sing.

Being free is to be myself truly, all of it, or none of it, anytime, anywhere, anyway, my most divine being, my best version, me here & now and be okay with it.

Freedom is to own all the concepts I choose to label myself and to get rid of the ones someone else given but don’t represent me at all. Freedom is to be confident, exuberant, a free spirit, beautiful, sophisticated, elegant, powerful, a believer, a relentless student, faithful, limitless, a leader, a follower, a server, a survivor, an inspiration, a motivador, a speaker, a woman ahead of her time, a blessing, an angel, a daughter of God, a treasure finder, a grateful heart, an appreciator, conscious awareness, love, light, compassion, harmony, peace and more. Freedom is to embody each one of those magnificent descriptions of God’s perfect creation. It is to be all of it, or none of it when it fits me. Freedom is to be okay with and not even make a big deal about going towards things, places and people I choose to and want more of or walk away from the ones that have already served their purpose in my life. It is to experience life my own unique way, living in this body I was entrusted and enjoy my exclusive freewill.

To be free is to show up in my most naked self, with or without make up on, in a good or bad hair day, perfect or bitten nails, over or under weight, respecting myself as I look in the mirror and deal with others and respecting others no matter what they do, say or how they act.

Freedom is to always find a way to bring something good to someone, to cheer up their day, bring light to their lives, a smile to their face, hope to their heart, while bring truth to myself and my unique way of living.

Freedom is to forgive myself and others and let it go the poison it brings to my mind, it is to silence my busy self-talk and to tune into what I decide to listen to. It is to feel okay when I am not okay and to dance and jump around when I am in full ecstasy and excitement. Freedom is to walk barefoot, enjoy walking in the rain, dance when I hear “Dancing Queen”, cry each and every time there’s an upcoming overflow of tears in my eyes. Freedom is to get involved deeply, let myself go, stay with it and allow all the feeling to take me over. It is to be insane, love something and a minutes later change my opinion and be okay with that. Freedom is to walk away from what I once loved, but no longer do; it is to not be eternally responsible for what I’ve once cultivated. Freedom is to express my opposite vision of the Little Prince MO and whoever else, of course respectfully having my own point of view and understanding people that happen to have a different opinion – and remain friends with them – if that’s what both sides want…

Freedom is simple, it is simply to live my own, exclusive, unique life. Freedom is to say all these things, to own my truth and feel myself proud.

If I got to be free, I’ve got to be me, Not the “me” you think I should be, not the “me” my spouse thinks I should be, not the “me” my kids think I should be. If I got to be free, I’ve got to me, the “me” I should be.
Bob Proctor

Feel free to agree… In order for me to be free, I’ve got to be me. That’s it!

Are you free!? What is freedom for you?

The time I did not have Breast Cancer

Sheyla Zito — Wed, 06 Oct 2021 20:04:01 +0000

It was Sept/2012 and I thought I had already gone through all kinds of challenges and that nothing else would threaten my world. But of course it wasn’t the case… It was not yet the time to be sure of myself, strong, and with a confident self-image.

A bomb was dropped in my lap. My usually normal yearly mammogram came back with a Bi raids 4 – “suspicious abnormality on your breast imaging studies. A biopsy should be considered as a next step” – they tried to do all kinds of imaging but unfortunately it did not work. I had once again to go through surgery…

As soon as they said that, that very moment, I convinced myself that I had breast cancer. Watching all those women sitting around in an unfamiliar waiting room of the very same hospital I was so used to, has impacted me tremendously. Some were losing their hair, others lost it all already, a few were wearing scarfs beautifully shaping their perfectly round heads, elegant and purposely planned. Most of them did not have at least one of their breasts… and there I was entering a completely new journey I was not okay with, doomed by Micro calcifications no one could diagnose without once again cutting, checking and removing another piece of my body.

My first marriage had ruined my self-image, my ex-husband was really good at pointing out all my imperfections and making sure I was aware and completely self-conscious of my body. After I divorced him, it took me perhaps 10 years to rescue myself from down the heel and finally recover.

As I was approaching a new positive self-image milestone, I was almost happy with myself, the way I looked, my general appearance, my body… and then this…

-“Just in case, we will make sure we remove all the micro calcifications, instead of just biopsing” – Doctor Maria do Socorro explained to me.

So what!? Why?? I thought… then you come back and even though you’ve got it all already, once it is confirmed, you take the whole right breast? What is the point… I don’t get it… I was so upset I could not rationalize…

The conversation in my head was so loud I couldn’t ask any question or even acknowledge her approach or decisions towards what to do with my own body, but just accepted whatever she said… I walked out of her office – the appointment to understand the next steps, already mastectomyED…

The surgery day arrived and I had multiple and diverse fantasies I had created in my head. All of them were really bad… they would open and see “all those ugly things” and decide right there that the best thing to do would be to remove the whole breast right. Another one would be that they would remove only the micro calcifications, but the damage done during the surgery was irreparable. This last one was based on my own experience at the Cancer hospital – because their focus is always to remove the “thing” they consider the problem, whatever it takes, even if you have to walk out of there handicap.

I became a master in fantasizing “worst-case scenarios” and to me, they were real.

I was completely shocked with what I saw the day after the surgery, when I could finally “check” the result of their work and the impact in my body. The scar was a state of art, immaculate perfectly around the nipple curve, almost imperceptive. Except for the bruises, there was nothing visually depressing. It was almost a relief if I did not start focusing on the mystery of the pathology results.

Another way too long unknown period of apprehension and expectancy.

One thing that I most hated was the never-ending waiting time, either to know what was going to be the prognostic, what the doctor had to say about such and such image or test result or every time something went to be “checked” – the timeframe of pathological anatomy results. More time in my hands to live in depressing fantasy land and the fear of the unknown.

It was a couple of weeks before Christmas when I finally got to see the doctor again and finally talk to her, because even if I did before the general anesthesia took effect, I had no recollection of the fact.

This picture was taken later that year 2012 at my ranch, back in Brasil with my now husband

This time my boyfriend was with me, American and just barely started to speak Portuguese decided to get into the doctor’s office with me and chat with the doctor, ask questions, next steps, etc. I felt cared for and protected and actually loved that he did. I remember sitting at the bed, the doctor examining me, and they two talking back and forth. There were moments I believe the doctor was talking directly to me, but the conversation in my head was way too loud and busy. I was having a hard time trying to make sense of becoming bald, wear a wig or not, hide with a scarf or not, would my head be nice and round as many women? what about my gigantic ears? everybody was going to make fun of me… I was going to look terrible… no one would look at me anymore – my long hair signature tale was over. What about losing the breast, the boyfriend, bringing my self-image back to the mud. If she ever talked to me directly, I have no idea what she said, truly.

Then I heard “Bom Natal”, which means “Merry Christmas” and apparently it was time to leave, but I had no idea what just happened there.

My then boyfriend looked at me as we walked out of the office and mentioned” What a weird doctor!”. – Really? I asked… Why do you say that? Wasn’t it inappropriate of her to tell me that? – What do you mean? I asked. You didn’t hear!? He asked, shocked. She called me “Bonitao”, he nodded incongruently, not believing what just happened…

No, she didn’t. I corrected him. She said Bom Natal, not Bonitao. My sense of humor was numb. The grieving process was taking its course in my head.

I kind of felt he was trying to cheer me up with his usual corny jokes, but he actually thought the doctor called him: Handsome. My thoughts took over again. I was numbed and now frustrated, having no idea of my own prognostic. I was very low, devastated, but he seemed to be okay and in good spirits. We stopped at the “Casa do Pao de Queijo” still inside the hospital and ordered two coffees and a basket of mini pao de queijo – a traditional cheese bread brazilians die for it. I was having a relationship with my own coffee, the pao de queijo and my thoughts. Speechless, blinded. A thousand things coming to mind at the same time, I couldn’t stop them. I was devastated, I couldn’t see the positive in that, I wasn’t in the mood to talk, to be cheered up, to listen or to do anything, but just to keep giving energy to the crazy negative thoughts that seemed to have taken over my ability to choose for myself, make decisions, or make them stop. Aren’t you happy!? he asked… Relief!? He carefully added…

-Me!? No. Why? Why should I be?

-He looked at me confused, but very aware of the mining zone he was stepping into…

I kept staring at my coffee, breast-less, bald, unloved, uncared, ugly, no self-image, tired of cancer and all the destruction it had already caused in my life. I thought I was a survivor, graduated, MBAed in cancer… a fortress, almost immortal. I thought there wouldn’t be anything that would bring me down, that I got it… but that one really played a role on me. Put myself back into the familiar and automated butchery material mode – no self-image. You are okay… he said, carefully spelling every letter in each word

-You say that because it is not you. Enough of this! I said angrily.

-Honey, he called carefully, firmly and lovingly… did you hear what the doctor said?

-Bom Natal? I replied

-No, before that. Do you understand what is happening? He very gently started

-What? I tried to raise my head and look at him.

-You are okay… he said very slowly and beautifully

-Even if you are okay with me without my breast, I am not, I said. I never thought this would affect me like this. I don’t want to go through this. It took me a lifetime to rescue myself from my marriage, my past and the way I used to feel about myself. I started crying, desperate.

He took my hands, looked deep into my eyes and repeated.

-Honey, you are okay, the results were negative. There is nothing else you have to do. It is over. You are healthy and I love you no matter what.

2021

Sheyla Zito — Sun, 31 Jan 2021 20:38:26 +0000

– I don’t even know you but already love you!

Those were the first words that came to mind as soon as I stepped out of 2020…

What a year that was, wasn’t it!?

What a wonderful thing this feeling of new beginnings…

Nothing really happened, actually we just added “1” to the number and as in magic, everything transformed. Excitement, hope, willingness to do and try something different, new plans and of course, the old and so well known “New Year’s Resolution”.

For the first time, I decided I was not going to embark on that one, because it felt like a source of disappointment in the previous years and a realization how I did not follow through on my unconditional promises to myself.

I changed my approach a little bit, though. I’ve been learning a lot about the whole mindset thing, manifestation and self-image. Gosh I feel like everybody is talking about that, so I decided to give it a try…

“Your results reflect the way you see yourself”. Ouch! I thought as I went through a self assessment in my mind and I heard my inner voice reviving a video lesson…

– Really!? How is that possible!? I started asking myself – upset about how some things were in some areas of my life.

It wasn’t too long ago when I realized that I was actually upset with myself, my lack of action and/or excess of bad planning.

Each time I thought about doing something great, immediately I would block that idea and think that wasn’t for me…

Maybe it wasn’t, but I could at least have given a try, right!?

“Whether you think you can or that you can’t, you are correct” – Thomas Edison reminded me of his wisdom.

– Do I really want to hear all this stuff? – I asked myself.

– Yes you do, Sheyla! (exclamation point) yelled my inner voice.

– You said you were ready for a change, didn’t you!?

Welcome on board and enjoy the ride!

With love,

2021

P.S. Remember you can do whatever you want, one day at a time. Be grateful, all the time, because any second everything can be taken away from you. Make a decision right now to be healthy, happy and to Live Fully 2day. It is a privilege to be here, so enjoy the Present!!