I myself can relate to that.

There has been a time in my life when I realized how many bad decisions I made, how poorly I have chosen things and how clueless I was in my approach and the way I experienced life.

It happened right after the moment I realized how unhappy I was.

It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”

Epictetus (55-135) Greek Philosopher

It was my 30th birthday. I woke up and did not want to leave the room, I did not want to see anyone. All I cared about was my 5yo son and the baby I was carrying in my belly, nothing else. I used to live in a tiny 40 mts2 apt with my ex-husband and his mother. It was very complicated.

The marriage was wrong from the beginning, circumstances brought me to that very moment. Four months after my baby was born, I was diagnosed with Melanoma and another one two months later. I had to stop breastfeeding my baby and to me it was the most devastating part of the story.

I had moved away from my family because I was convinced no one loved me or even cared for me. I was alone. It was hard. Two years later another cancer threat scared me and I believed it was my time to die. It was real, I was devastated, depressed and hopeless.

How I came out of that is subject for another day, but thank God I did and am so grateful for it.

Years after my separation I learned to forgive… I thought I did, but I truly did not. It happened while working on my annulment paperwork…

As I relived every single episode of my story, what happened to me and how I used to blame my parents for being in that marriage, my ex-husband for being the way he was and myself for getting stuck into that situation…

I understood that whatever my parents did, imposed or said was because of their belief system, the way they learned how to live, to survive based on their own education, life experiences, perception, how they were raised and so much more. It was not their fault, but the way they saw the world, and it was their reality. The positive intention behind all that was to protect me – the way they knew how to do it. And I forgave them.

The same for my ex-husband, who had his own traumas and problems in life that have never been resolved and he kept living the same relationship with different people – it just happened that at that time I was the victim…

The hardest one was to look into all that I did, chose, things I wish I took another route… Of course looking from today’s eyes, things seemed obvious. Thank God I have evolved. If I had to make the same decisions today, of course they would be different, but at that time, I convinced myself that it was what I knew and did the best I could then. I saw myself as a my younger version, begging for understanding, acceptance, forgiveness and love and I made a decision to surrender to that beautiful young and naive soul. I have also chosen to believe that I am living my own journey – as everyone else – and that there is no right or wrong, but the choices I make that will determine the outcome of it all – and of course the consequences.

Each day is a new day, a new opportunity to start new, fresh and in a clean slate. Making peace with all that have hurt you has nothing to do with them, but freeing yourself up – so that you can finally fly.

There are so many people in the world desperate trying to find their other half – their better part… How terrible is that!?

What a let down to imagine that we have to outsource to find “our better part”!

Thousands of people are looking for the “perfect partner” without realizing that before that happen they must become the “perfect partner”. You won’t be able to understand and love someone else before you truly love yourself first.

If you are looking for your best part – means that if you can’t find it, you are stuck with your worst part!? Think about it…

We are not halves. We are entire.

Even the Bible tell us:

You shall love your neighbor as yourself

Mark 12:31

If you don’t love yourself, understand, respect yourself, how you are going to be able to love someone else? We all have different roots, family history, culture, education, life experience, relationships, physical bodies, colors, shapes and sizes. That combination added to your distinct and sometimes extreme levels of psychological, emotional and spiritual intelligence can alone be the ingredient to set you in a unique path in life.

People forget that every day we set the bar in how we want the world to treat us. How we take care of ourselves, put ourselves first – so that we can take care of others! Each time we say “yes” to others not wanting to, we are truly saying “no” to ourselves – being incongruent – creating mental and later on physical illness. We null ourselves so that we can “please” others – another perfect recipe for failure in relationships.

The world is full of “givers” and “takers” -The first ones – usually with self-esteem issues – can’t stop giving and have such a hard time accepting – until one day they fall into exhaustion and drop dead into depression. And on the other side there will always be the takers – the opportunists – trying to take advantage of all givers. Sadly one attracts the other until they realize their modus operandi; we don’t need to worry about the bloody suckers, they too will get their life’s lesson.

I know a lot of people who have the very same relationship with different people – they keep repeating the same pattern without realizing – and keep changing the antagonist – frustrated how they can never find the right person – again, they don’t get that until they become the right person, they will never attract such partner.

Everyone is looking for like minded people to be around. Wouldn’t be wonderful to find someone to share life with in that same state of mind!? Many people do and might experience their happily ever after – snapshots reflect that. What they fail to realize is that there is a constant evolution – we evolve as beings, experiencing our own journeys regardless who is our partner – and somehow believe we can still fit the new into the old “model”. I’ve heard the other day a priest saying that when a man finally meets “the woman” or vice-versa, that’s what their inner-voice sound like:

Him: – She is perfect. I hope she never changes…

Her: – He is great, not perfect but with me by his side, he will change…

What most likely will happen is:

Men expected they didn’t, but the certain thing is women will change

Women thought they could do it, but the truth is, men won’t change – unless they reach that need and make the choice by themselves.

Nobody changes anybody. We plant seeds, we cultivate, we suggest, we recommend, we set the bar, we take action, but we CANNOT change someone else – that is a inner decision and takes a lot time, investment, effort, persistence and patience (from the other side).

You can lead a horse to water, but you can‘t make it drink.

John Heywood

We are not the same person we were 10, 5 or even 2 years ago. The same happens to our partner – or partner-to-be. Life happens both sides, values & beliefs influence our life’s journey, circumstances might affect the way we perceive experiences, how we make decisions, what is important to us or not.

Some people believe and even say: “I am good. I am married already.” like it was a title they conquered and it doesn’t require maintenance. Being with someone is a daily decision, a choice we make.

We must invest in ourselves, to educate, to build what we want, to defend and fight for what we believe, to become entire, sure of ourselves, free and happy. Then it might happen in the process that the energy you emanate will touch another person in a similar journey and you will meet.

You don’t wait until you meet someone to become the person you wanna be, to determine your values & beliefs and to set your convictions. We are all under construction and grow with time once we invest into it and are influenced by the people we respect and admire. But we must be entire each step of the process and have an open mind to accept new perspectives.

The secret for a perfect relationship is to have each other truly committed and investing daily to help their partner become their Best Version. Understand what is important to the other, what they value, listen to them, help them transform their weakness, believe in them, empower their strengths, trust, love unconditionally, value their expertise, respect their point of view and try to learn from them. By both doing that you will build your unique foundation and grow you own perfect castle together.

Life is light and fun when you have someone to laugh about your own imperfections, the silly things you do every day, a person to play with and to make fun – your favorite weirdo.

It is a joy to experience life with a person you trust and want to be with. Another human being completely different, but that you can truly be yourself. Someone entire, that met another resolved, great being – not perfect – but the one that you want and choose to share life together.

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.

– A. A. Milne – Life Lessons From Winnie-the-Pooh

Years back, I’ve written something which was actually published (get your copy here), this piece shows my mind processing the nostalgia of watching mom going through dementia.

Jesus came to get her, it was harder during the isolation times… the cause was none related to the virus, but, the consequences were devastating… depriving us of her presence, a proper funeral or even a basic visitation. Everything was online and just for a few minutes, streamed live (who would ever imagine we would experience times like this?)

I have updated that piece later, summarized some parts and decided to finish it, as my closure and associated with her beautiful picture on mother’s day, when my husband finished a gorgeous meditation space for her at her house in Connecticut. The new piece was once again published, now by the VICC, in another anthology. So far, my biggest pride as a writer – the most touching and introspective piece I’ve ever created.

Did she know (updated version)

Did she know – Updated Version – Anthology Creative Expressive Writting

Did she know it would the last time she went grocery shopping and bought exactly the same things from the previous trip?

Did she know it was the last time she would do her evening routine prior to go to sleep? Pre-set the table for breakfast, set the thirteen pills in a Dixie cup covered by a couple of Kleenex? Squeezed Olay cream at the tip of her fingers and carefully scrubbed her miraculously radiant 96 year-old face?

Did she know it was the last time she would peel 5 lb. of apples and prepare her own applesauce? That would be the last time she would turn the stove on, boil water and prepare her own oatmeal? Did she know it would be the last time she was capable of preparing her own cup of coffee? Did she know it was the last time she would wash her few and very same dishes?

Did she know it was the last time she would choose which clothe to wear, a pair of earrings to match the sweat shirt, the black sweat pants and the white pair of sneakers? Did she know it would be the last time she was capable of putting make up on and be excited to go out to the Home Town Buffet at the top of the hill? Did she know it was the last time she would wrap a slice of pizza she couldn’t eat and stuck it into her pocket book?

Did she know it would be the last time she would do laundry? Carry her reinforced USO jeans bag, used as hamper and carry it to the basement? Did she know it would be the last time she would sit in her chair and watch TV waiting for the dryer cycle to end, so that she could fold her things, put into a basket and crawl the steps back upstairs?

Did she know it was the last time she would tell the yard worker to trim the bushes; to not touch the red tree; to blow the autumn leaves, to shovel the driveway? Did she know it was the last time she opened the front door to get the mail?

Did she know she would never get back to that pair of stockings that she had worn just once and carefully folded in her drawer, so that she could wear once again before washing of throwing them out? Did she know that beautiful black lace set she bought from a magazine, perhaps to impress her husband, for a romantic evening or even to feel beautiful, would never be worn?

Did she know that blue cut of yard, matching the flowery pillow case she cut in pieces would never become whatever she dreamed in making?

How many unfulfilled dreams, projects started, ideas not initiated? How many letters not sent, or written? Clothes, jewelry and shoes never worn, waiting for a special occasion? How many days not lived, waiting for someone to show up, to visit, or for some companion? How many phone calls not placed waiting for the other side to apologize or just initiate it? How much money not spent doing something she wanted; buying something she didn’t need but that would be nice to have it? How many places not visited and things not done?

Did she know she would lose it? That she would have no idea of who she was, which season, which month, or even which year it was? Did she know she wouldn’t be able to know who the president was or even her own name? Did she know the moments lived in the last 75+ years would be just erased?

Did she know she wouldn’t be able to make a decision for herself, or remember anything else other than her beloved mom and a bit of her childhood?

Did she know that we wouldn’t be able to take care of her, even though we wanted? Did she know we would leave her somewhere, trying to convince ourselves it was best for her? Did she know we would promise to visit her often, but couldn’t, not because of time or willingness, but because we needed to rebuild our broken hearts and soul from the last visit? Did she know an in-law would love her this much?

I prayed that when it was finally her time to leave us physically, for God to be merciful and use the sleep machine as her transportation, perhaps during a sweet dream, where she is walking in a beautiful place, that He comes, smiles at her, takes her hand and side-by-side helps her cross the bridge…

For us that stay, I hope we are able to comprehend the power of here and now… that there is no special occasion to do something, to wear something, to create something, but at the very present, each day, each moment. That it might just be that we have already done many “lasts” in our journey…

Today she would have been 98. A truly privilege to make it half way after 97… I miss her, talking to her, hearing her, listening to her laugh… I am grateful for all the time we had together, the conversations (even the non sense), the meals, her appreciation, our prayers, our moments contemplating…

She is and will remain forever in my memories, as part of me, of what to be, to become, how to get old, getting lighter each day, laughing of things, taking them less serious and adventuring myself into something new, each time I feel like it, no matter what others may think or try to prevent me to…

Did she know that morning after gym it would be the last time I would see her? Did she know it would be her last video when she stared at the camera and clearly said: “Gary, I adore you!”?

Sheyla Zito

I would remember a fantasy world…

A world where family used to sit around the table to have their meals together, talking, laughing, telling stories, speaking all the same time and magically listening to every conversation and replying in joy.

I would remember a world where my boys are close to me, very present and intentionally around, looking for advice, excited to share, rapt (extasiado) to tell me about something they’ve just experienced,  a girl they’ve just met, something about her smile, the way she moves her hand and touches her hair, the simple but breathtaking smile coordinated with her looking unintentionally until meeting their gaze…

I would remember a happily ever after life, the one I probably have lived, or not, but that I miss, one that exists in my own mind, with birds singing, sitting at the back porch looking at the mountains, feeling the breeze touching my face, the butterflies kissing the flowers and the humminbirds in their last journey before fall arrives in its majesty. 

I would remember an utopic love, truly soul mate, as I felt once, or twice… when I was 20 and then again when I was 35, before it had faded away to a far away land, which I no longer could smell its scent, feel its temperature, hear its sounds, see its enchantment or touch its form.  

So much for maturing and growing old…without realizing we stop living the present or imagining the future, but we use our creative minds to change the past, to color the happy pages, to add glitter to it and make it even brighter and happier. We skip or without any resentment we rip off the pages with the sad stories. But some, the ones we are proud of, we would frame and put in our imaginary living room, close to the mantel, as a reminder of our battles and the medals we’ve collected throughout the years. Scars that as years pass we become proud to share, to talk about our vulnerabilities, to show that we too were weak and unhappy, but we are okay with that.

I would make sure everyone knows how much I love them, not individually, because I truly believe I’ve done that throughout the journey, but that if they could imagine love in its greatest form, size, color, sound and smell; the strongest beating of the heart, the warmth of the 12o’clock sun, the awakening of a deep dive in a lake, the beauty of a sunset and the promise of a sunrise, and the brighteness of a full moon in a perfectly clear sky. My love would be present in all of it, and at the peaceful silence at the mountain top and the beauty of the landscape under their feet they would feel me, there, still present, somewhere they can’t see, but feel as they close their eyes.

I would imagine that I have never left my boys, neither for a second, that we have shared everything and more and it was never enough, such a great love we always have for one another. I would remember our moments together doing the dishes, talking about our day: the silliest things and that would mean the world. I would remember watching they opening the front door and coming inside the apartment where I would be already preparing dinner and they would walk into the tiny kitchen, kiss my chic and walk to their room. I would remember arriving from work, with my hands full of computer bag, pocket book, car keys and the groceries bags I’ve purchased in my way home, planning some special dinner and would see them sitting at the living room, watching TV, playing on the floor with Hot Wheels cars and tracks and laughing with the dog trying to be part of it all. 

I would remember minutes before getting into countless surgeries and waking up alive after them, so grateful for having another chance and opportunity to keep going and try to do it right that time. 

I would remember the Monday nights we used to go to my mother’s house to pray the rosary as a family. Sitting around the gigantic kitchen take to have dinner together, mom’s scrumptions food, and see the whole table taken by each one of us, still dressed from work. I would remember we all then moving to the living room after taken way too much time eating, but happily finding a place to sit, choosing the rosary we liked the best and all started praying; even the little kids knew all the prayers by heart and they would proudly pray and put tears into our eyes. We would pray fervently for all that asked for our prayers and our own, truly believing everything was going to be ok, to get resolved, to be healed, to pass… and they always did. 

I would remember my faith, how powerful it has always been and my ancestries and people I cared about that had already crossed the bridge and get excited with the idea of meeting them again and sharing all that they’ve missed since their departure… and I would look up and see Him, smiling; close my eyes smiling, remembering when He once told me:

–       You knew it was going to be short…

And with confidence, take my last breath in gratitude for all the blessings, the graces, the opportunities, the lessons, the people I met, the family I was chosen to be part of, or that have chosen me… for all that I did, said, had, for all the seeds I’ve planted, for the ones that germinated and the ones still in hibernation and I would go happily, with a feeling of completed mission and looking forward to experiencing the eternal life and to learn more about my role there… I will be in ecstasy to finally meet our Lord and live in Heaven happily ever after, this time, for real. 

Sheyla Zito

15Sep2020 12pm 1023 words from my back porch In Spring Hill, TN